I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.
I’m 22, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.
Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.
Mental health keeps going on about setting goals, I have never been a goal setter and I have got far enough in life without them. But the thing is I do kinda set goals, I just don’t label them and there’s not a whole plan that goes with it. It’s just this is what I’m doing, this is the direction I’m going. As soon as you put restrictions on something, it’s easier to get out of. My way, something just slows you down, but you’re still going the same direction.
Everyone works differently, goals can drive you. But they can also make you lazy. They can discourage you if things go wrong. They can make you feel guilty.
But I should probably set some, any ideas? I have so far,
Not taking any sick days off for mental health as I will finish work soon.
To apply for some other jobs.
I’m really dark at the moment because my boss knows about my mental health, and in quite a lot of detail I might add. Yet last week, when I was obviously having a bad week they didn’t even ask me if I was ok.
It’s so weird that when you first meet people you can tell whether someone is a good person to tell about mental health issues. On the bright side, I was on point with my judgement. But I’m still pissed.
I’m just trying to function and people want me to function better. I wish people weren’t so shit.
Sorry haven’t been on here in a while. My life is just super uncertain at the moment. I’m so over people, they suck. Everyone is so fake, an people just don’t see through it. And I’m like hyper aware to any fake happiness bullshit, so I don’t understand how others don’t see it.
Why is it social convention to pretend we are all happy? And how do people not tell people to fuck off when people are faking overly happy bullshit. Why can’t it be social convention to not just display the emotion that is felt. It would be healthier. No one honestly asks people how their day is going, it’s all just fake as small talk bullshit. Why does everyone care about the weather so much?
Everyone puts up this front of wanting to be helpful, and then you ask for help and they’re fucking useless.
So a while ago I requested my mental health notes, and I finally got them. Most of it is ok, debatable, but people are allowed their own diagnostic opinion. So the psychiatrist I was seeing I didn’t like so I requested to change, they told me I was allowed a second opinion. I have since seen a 2nd psychiatrist but that interaction was too recent to be included in the notes.
So the first psychiatrist thinks I have avoidant personality disorder, which is interesting since I work in a job where I have to interact with people, but I’m not too pissed about that. This psychiatrist wrote a summary letter to the GP, which stated that I have not been able to do presentations in front of people. I’m not too sure where he got that from considering I did not tell him this as I have done multiple presentations in the past.
The next part was that he said I refused psychology and he thought it was due to my fear of meeting new people.. this was written after I requested to have a different psychiatrist and hence meet a new person. I mean it was this lack of logic that led me to request someone else in the first place.
I refused psychology because there was no way I could fit it in with work, and I mentioned this multiple times.
Also when you’re with mental health, trying to make your own medical decisions is labelled “not co-operating”.
So I had to tell my boss about the whole depression thing because it got really obvious something was going on. So I did that about 3 weeks ago, and I don’t even get a how are you going chat, are you ok chat. I even tried acting depressed for a couple of days, still didn’t happen. On the bright side my judgement of them was correct, they are not a good person to mention shit to.
I don’t really know what I’m up to at the moment, don’t really know how to progress forward. The whole situation right now just feels so negative. Feel stuck in a negative situation.
I haven’t updated in ages, I just have so much shit going on. It’s hard to explain. All I have learned is that people suck.
I am seeing a new psychiatrist in a few days, it happened quite quickly after I wrote a formal complaint. Obviously, they were scared of the consequences of that and all of a sudden, I had an appointment booked and it was only a week and a half away. After they told me they were booking a month in advance.
People are just so selfish, even though I got what I wanted I’m not going back on my complaint. I didn’t do it to get what I wanted, I did it so other people don’t have to go through this shit.
I’m so over talking to people and they obviously realise I’m unwell, and they’re like “are you on meds?”, “are you taking your meds?”, “You need to do CBT”.
I’m very good at taking my meds and I’m more of a talk therapy sort of person, I just need to vent. The thing is I can analyse my thoughts all I like, but it doesn’t stop them being there. I already try not to avoid behaviours due to said thoughts, and it doesn’t really change a lot.
Realistically I would have to go private for any form of therapy to work. I might be able to get it free but it would have to be on my lunch break, and honestly, it would just make work worse and I couldn’t fully invest in it during the middle of my working day. The issue with private is that I could pay to see someone for a few sessions and realise I don’t like them then I have just wasted a couple hundred dollars on nothing.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it’s just really complex.
So last week my life just shat itself. I think it’s going to be about a month till I see a different psychiatrist. I might have to make a more legitimate complaint. I mean they acknowledged their system is shit but that doesn’t really help anything.
But mental health people seem to love me writing stuff down becuse I’m shit at comunicating in person.