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About Me

I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.

I’m 22, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.

Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.

 

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My Life Has Too Much Shit

I haven’t updated in ages, I just have so much shit going on. It’s hard to explain. All I have learned is that people suck.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist in a few days, it happened quite quickly after I wrote a formal complaint. Obviously, they were scared of the consequences of that and all of a sudden, I had an appointment booked and it was only a week and a half away. After they told me they were booking a month in advance.

People are just so selfish, even though I got what I wanted I’m not going back on my complaint. I didn’t do it to get what I wanted, I did it so other people don’t have to go through this shit.

I’m so over talking to people and they obviously realise I’m unwell, and they’re like “are you on meds?”, “are you taking your meds?”, “You need to do CBT”.

I’m very good at taking my meds and I’m more of a talk therapy sort of person, I just need to vent. The thing is I can analyse my thoughts all I like, but it doesn’t stop them being there. I already try not to avoid behaviours due to said thoughts, and it doesn’t really change a lot.

Realistically I would have to go private for any form of therapy to work. I might be able to get it free but it would have to be on my lunch break, and honestly, it would just make work worse and I couldn’t fully invest in it during the middle of my working day. The issue with private is that I could pay to see someone for a few sessions and realise I don’t like them then I have just wasted a couple hundred dollars on nothing.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it’s just really complex.

1/10/17

So last week my life just shat itself. I think it’s going to be about a month till I see a different psychiatrist. I might have to make a more legitimate complaint. I mean they acknowledged their system is shit but that doesn’t really help anything. 

But mental health people seem to love me writing stuff down becuse I’m shit at comunicating in person.

 

5-9/17

Sometimes you just want to know. You can’t talk to people about your problems if they aren’t confirmed. You can be waiting for something bad to happen, but no one wants to help you because it might not happen. Some even claim it’s unrealistic thinking, but the thing is sometimes there is evidence supporting bad things coming in your future.

Sometimes I just have to numb out to things, just so I can cope with everyday life. It’s not ideal, but it gets me through. 

1/9/17

I wish I was better at putting thoughts into words, that’s such a weird thing, because thoughts almost are words. I’m just struggling with the whole life thing. I can always tell when I’m bad. My mind struggles to think into the future, I start needing to make it week to week, day to day. 

Some people like to plan their life, but that’s not really me. I guess that’s the thing at the moment bothering me. People wanting  me to act in a way that just isn’t me. I don’t want to be a puppet. Other people have expectations of me, and I don’t know if their expectations are unrealistic or if I should feel bad for not meeting them…

Jumbled thoughts 

I want to know what’s wrong with me, maybe there is nothing wrong with me… Who even knows what’s normal?

See there are some things I know I suck at, but no one helps me not suck. Sometimes you need help to not suck… 

I don’t like people, they talk too much. They judge too much. 

I never know what to say. 

So my boss wants me to wear make up to work, it’s more professional apparently. So I’m pretty much going to have to do it at night because I have nowhere near enough time before work.

Do you ever just look at people, and they remind you of how much your life is a mess.

18/8/17

so update on my psychiatrist visit, to cut a long story short I am going to write in and request to be switched.

I have had the same conversation with him 4 times, he can’t remember what medication I’m or the dose of the medication he decided to put me on. I get doctors have lots of patients, but its called notes, look at them before I get into the room, or even while I’m there, better than being wrong.

He also tried to decide to decrease one of my medications, and it happened to be the only medication that has done anything for me ever, so I didn’t let him do that.

I don’t to see the psychiatrist when I ‘m feeling shitty to have one of my meds decreased and that’s it. I didn’t have any side effect problems or anything.

Anyone got any advice on how to write to change Dr because apparently just asking isn’t enough?