About Me

I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.

I’m 22, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.

Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.



so update on my psychiatrist visit, to cut a long story short I am going to write in and request to be switched.

I have had the same conversation with him 4 times, he can’t remember what medication I’m or the dose of the medication he decided to put me on. I get doctors have lots of patients, but its called notes, look at them before I get into the room, or even while I’m there, better than being wrong.

He also tried to decide to decrease one of my medications, and it happened to be the only medication that has done anything for me ever, so I didn’t let him do that.

I don’t to see the psychiatrist when I ‘m feeling shitty to have one of my meds decreased and that’s it. I didn’t have any side effect problems or anything.

Anyone got any advice on how to write to change Dr because apparently just asking isn’t enough?


So I’m seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, and if he suggests one more stupid thing I’m actually going to request a new one. It’s getting a awkward the amount of appointments I’ve been having, someone’s going to ask questions soon. 

Idk what’s going to happen, I will probably end up really frustraited tomorrow. 


So I don’t really want to talk about why I’m mentally a tad fucked right now. I just haven’t processed it enough, and there are facts about my situation that I’m a bit lost on… I was just going along trying to cope and I pretty much was told I’m not going to achieve what I want to acheive.

I don’t know what I’m doing at the moment, or where I’m going. 

I’m just so confused about this situation, have people been talking to this other person? Or do they just know? 

I hate it when people bring negativity into my life. 


My psychiatrist fucked with my medications, even though I tried to tell him his idea had more risk associated with it than the potential benefit. He wouldn’t shut up about it, so I went along with it because I was feeling shit and figured I didn’t have much to lose. But seems to have turned out there was something to lose because now I feel shitter…

But I can’t complain yet because I haven’t given the medication time to work… But It won’t work. Like I don’t want to assume and be pessimistic, but I feel it’s more realistic when the other.

I am trying to reward myself more often, so today I am playing Sims.



I have been feeling so shitty this past week, I haven’t felt this shitty for like a year. I don’t know of any trigger, it just feels like a spiral, I know it’s going to spiral, I know what’s going to happen. I can’t stop it.

Everything feels sort of numb in a way, I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know if it’s a weighed down feeling? I just need a break, why doesn’t life have a pause button?

I Need Treatment Goals…

I just seem to be off in my own little world at the moment. It kinda reminds me of being a child. I think I’m overtired. . .

So I started this post a few days ago, haven’t gotten any further. Probably a nice summary of my general motivation to do anything right now. On the bright side if I’m not posting it usually means that my sleep is going good because if I’m posting regularly, it’s usually in the middle of the night and because I can’t sleep.

I have so many things that I need to do and I keep putting them off until the last minute. It needs to stop, but I can’t stop it. There is just this weird mental block there.

It’s really weird being at work, being a mental health patient and having no one know about it. Hearing the way people speak about mental health related things. People act like the people who get really angry are “mental”. But the thing is associating those people with mental health issues is wrong. The majority of people with mental health problems have way too much anxiety to express their anger at someone. Most of the time they can’t even go back and tell the cashier that they were given the wrong change.

I think I have been outwardly way more “flat” recently, which is annoying because soon I will have to deal with all the comments that go with that. If my boss bitches about it I will be annoyed because they told me not to chew gum, so with that comes no facial expressions. The person who is my main person I deal with through mental health was like maybe try mints…. what is the difference, how are mints ok and gum not? The strange concepts that go on in neurotypicals minds…

When I complained about the whole gum thing to other people they said, just claim its nicotine gum. The idea is good, other than the fact that I obviously don’t smoke. But the idea that it’s only ok if you are doing it to try quit smoking…

Sometimes I wonder how the people at work would react if they knew how mentally fucked I was, “I think they would be like oh shit have we said anything bad?” To which the answer would be, no, but you’re very nieve.

Anyway back to me. Mental health wants me to set goals… I’m not really a goal setter, all they do is make you feel shit when you fail. But they will get angry if I don’t have any, so please comment with any treatment goals you have had in the past…