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About Me

I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.

I’m 22, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.

Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.

 

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5-9/17

Sometimes you just want to know. You can’t talk to people about your problems if they aren’t confirmed. You can be waiting for something bad to happen, but no one wants to help you because it might not happen. Some even claim it’s unrealistic thinking, but the thing is sometimes there is evidence supporting bad things coming in your future.

Sometimes I just have to numb out to things, just so I can cope with everyday life. It’s not ideal, but it gets me through. 

1/9/17

I wish I was better at putting thoughts into words, that’s such a weird thing, because thoughts almost are words. I’m just struggling with the whole life thing. I can always tell when I’m bad. My mind struggles to think into the future, I start needing to make it week to week, day to day. 

Some people like to plan their life, but that’s not really me. I guess that’s the thing at the moment bothering me. People wanting  me to act in a way that just isn’t me. I don’t want to be a puppet. Other people have expectations of me, and I don’t know if their expectations are unrealistic or if I should feel bad for not meeting them…

Jumbled thoughts 

I want to know what’s wrong with me, maybe there is nothing wrong with me… Who even knows what’s normal?

See there are some things I know I suck at, but no one helps me not suck. Sometimes you need help to not suck… 

I don’t like people, they talk too much. They judge too much. 

I never know what to say. 

So my boss wants me to wear make up to work, it’s more professional apparently. So I’m pretty much going to have to do it at night because I have nowhere near enough time before work.

Do you ever just look at people, and they remind you of how much your life is a mess.

18/8/17

so update on my psychiatrist visit, to cut a long story short I am going to write in and request to be switched.

I have had the same conversation with him 4 times, he can’t remember what medication I’m or the dose of the medication he decided to put me on. I get doctors have lots of patients, but its called notes, look at them before I get into the room, or even while I’m there, better than being wrong.

He also tried to decide to decrease one of my medications, and it happened to be the only medication that has done anything for me ever, so I didn’t let him do that.

I don’t to see the psychiatrist when I ‘m feeling shitty to have one of my meds decreased and that’s it. I didn’t have any side effect problems or anything.

Anyone got any advice on how to write to change Dr because apparently just asking isn’t enough?

17/08/17

So I’m seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, and if he suggests one more stupid thing I’m actually going to request a new one. It’s getting a awkward the amount of appointments I’ve been having, someone’s going to ask questions soon. 

Idk what’s going to happen, I will probably end up really frustraited tomorrow. 

10/8/17

So I don’t really want to talk about why I’m mentally a tad fucked right now. I just haven’t processed it enough, and there are facts about my situation that I’m a bit lost on… I was just going along trying to cope and I pretty much was told I’m not going to achieve what I want to acheive.

I don’t know what I’m doing at the moment, or where I’m going. 

I’m just so confused about this situation, have people been talking to this other person? Or do they just know? 

I hate it when people bring negativity into my life. 

26/07/17

My psychiatrist fucked with my medications, even though I tried to tell him his idea had more risk associated with it than the potential benefit. He wouldn’t shut up about it, so I went along with it because I was feeling shit and figured I didn’t have much to lose. But seems to have turned out there was something to lose because now I feel shitter…

But I can’t complain yet because I haven’t given the medication time to work… But It won’t work. Like I don’t want to assume and be pessimistic, but I feel it’s more realistic when the other.

I am trying to reward myself more often, so today I am playing Sims.