I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.
I’m 23, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.
Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.
I have had two counseling appointments in the past two weeks. In the last one, I got the lecture about needing to contribute more. I am not very good when I am put on the spot so that just made me shut off and we got no further in the appointment. I don’t understand why people expect me to tell them my life story when I have met them once. Anyway, I wrote about three pages of shit to give them next time so I don’t get accused of not trying. Because people like to come to that conclusion, they don’t want to admit they might not be performing their job up to scratch and I guess go on the defense.
I don’t know what I am supposed to expect from others, it like if I expect too much from people then that’s wrong. But if I let them treat me like shit then that is also wrong. They tell you to ask for what you need but if I knew the solution then I wouldn’t be in this situation. It’s as if expecting other people to think for themselves is expecting too much from them.
But I guess what can be learned is to expect nothing from anyone, but also don’t let them ignore you and treat you like shit?
Sometimes you just want to be left alone. But people want to be nice, helpful. But they don’t understand the whole situation, so they’re not helpful. I don’t feel like explaining everything, I just want people to not but into my life.
A lot of people are very good at making quite big commitments spontaneously without properly thinking them through, and these people don’t tend to be the ones that actually lose out from their shitty decision. But it’s so good when you see someone who always makes these commitments be the one to loose out. It’s so good to just sit and enjoy even the slightest glimpse of their shit time. You kinda feel bad for enjoying it, yet these people never seem to catch on to what their doing so maybe I should enjoy it more.
I saw the psychiatrist last week, they seemed pretty good. Capable of following a logical thought process anyway. Other than that I have pretty much done nothing. I haven’t got much to talk about at the moment, probably due to my lack of socialisation.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist next week. Not because I was listened to, but because I moved. I have pretty low expectations. They did make an effort to give me extra notice about the appointment, which is very good communication from my experience. I tend to not be informed of things.
I haven’t written anything in a while, I have made a whole heap of major decisions very suddenly. I also have not informed a lot of people about these decisions. But it’s my life so it’s not really for them to know. There are still a lot of decisions still to make. But overall I have decided to take my time over these decisions. Figure out what I really want. not just guess what I will want in the future.
There is always so much pressure to rush, people seem to not be able to think more than a month in advance. Well, they are either doing that or thinking 5 years into the future. There is no middle ground. Sometimes if you slow down you will end up being further ahead in the long run. But others don’t seem to be able to comprehend this concept.
I also want to take time to think about what I want from other people. Because you need to ask for what you want for anything to happen. Because surprisingly other people don’t have their lives together enough to be useful on their own. People are so self-focused, most people aren’t capable of true empathy. Rather this fake bullshit which if you talk to them long enough you realise they have no idea. It’s all just fake emotions.
I think this lack of empathy is a result of societies views on expressing emotion. we are all expected to not display or talk about any unpleasant emotions. So all people know to do is the fake smile. If you dare to express unpleasant emotion to others, you will find you get the minimum response that is polite. They won’t ignore it, that would be rude. They just change the topic as fast as possible or try to exit the conversation as fast as possible.
In conclusion, I really need to find a decent therapist as I have a lot of people to bitch about. It’s also a bonus if you bitch about people in a confidential environment.
Photo by elizabeth lies on Unsplash
I’m awake with insomnia, facing the dilemma of whether to stick at trying to sleep or just give up and wait until I am tired to try to sleep. Obviously, I have chosen the latter. I am not being responsible, as I shouldn’t be on a computer. But I’m pretty sure it won’t make much difference.
When I try to go to google to determine how to sleep, it just lists the bullshit, don’t take naps during the day, set a bedtime and wake up time. Well, it’s too late for that. I do have medication I could take, but if I take it now then I will sleep late tomorrow and then I won’t sleep again.
There should be more practical solutions to insomnia. My body doesn’t work on a wake up at the same time everyday schedule. It just won’t get up if I don’t need to be anywhere. I get too distracted to avoid screens or too much light. There isn’t really any thought process contributing to it, I’m not overly phased about not sleeping, I don’t have any plans tomorrow until 2pm.
I am going to ditch the computer now as it has now been an hour.