I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.
I’m 23, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.
Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.
The mental health people seem to be gradually doing things, which is good. They appear to need to work on their efficiency, however, they are being helpful so I shouldn’t complain too much. I am seeing them again in two days, I really need to work on my communication. I can communicate well, but I’m not very consistent there is a large range of my communication abilities that seem to be dependent on the day. Some days I don’t really seem to be present in the room, and hence I am not very good at communicating to the other person in that room.
I feel really bored at the moment, my life is just, sleep, food, exercise, some TV, and very occasionally I may socialise. I am also Irritable, I’m not 100% sure if that’s a symptom or if I am just surrounded by annoying people. My sleeping pattern is not how I like it, it is probably how most people want it. I go to bed early and wake up early, but I don’t like doing that, especially when I am not working. I do want to work, but my previous experience does put me off a tad. Plus I feel so tired all the time…
People like to focus on themselves, this can be good and bad. It always seems that when you think people won’t notice, they deviate away from their self-absorbed nature. Other times you wait for people to notice, but they never do.
Mental health people are being a tad shit at the moment, mostly as they say they are going to do stuff and it doesn’t seem to be happening. Everything is just so delayed, and there is no attempt to minimize wait times. I’m fine with waiting, I just don’t like the time it takes for the person to remember to refer me added to the wait time.
I’m currently in a place where I can’t tell if I am getting better or worse, my insight isn’t great at present. My sleep is getting worse which is annoying. I have kind of established a routine. I am having a two-week break between counseling appointments which I am not sure is a good idea. I am debating whether to go to the GP as I am not seeing the psychiatrist for another 5 weeks and saw him last about 5 weeks ago. I was supposed to see him after 6 weeks, but wait times…. If I am to go to the GP I need to construct my thoughts so that I don’t just sit there like, “Hi, I thought I should see a Dr”.
I could as to see the occupational therapist, I don’t really have much to say to her, but at least it’s free.
About a week and a half ago I went to the psychiatrist, it went pretty well which was good because. My counsellor decided to be a bitch the week before that. This past week I have been working, it has been going pretty well. I will only be working for two weeks. I don’t think I have the motivation to work for any longer than that. I really just want it over with.
I have had two counseling appointments in the past two weeks. In the last one, I got the lecture about needing to contribute more. I am not very good when I am put on the spot so that just made me shut off and we got no further in the appointment. I don’t understand why people expect me to tell them my life story when I have met them once. Anyway, I wrote about three pages of shit to give them next time so I don’t get accused of not trying. Because people like to come to that conclusion, they don’t want to admit they might not be performing their job up to scratch and I guess go on the defense.
I don’t know what I am supposed to expect from others, it like if I expect too much from people then that’s wrong. But if I let them treat me like shit then that is also wrong. They tell you to ask for what you need but if I knew the solution then I wouldn’t be in this situation. It’s as if expecting other people to think for themselves is expecting too much from them.
But I guess what can be learned is to expect nothing from anyone, but also don’t let them ignore you and treat you like shit?
Sometimes you just want to be left alone. But people want to be nice, helpful. But they don’t understand the whole situation, so they’re not helpful. I don’t feel like explaining everything, I just want people to not but into my life.
A lot of people are very good at making quite big commitments spontaneously without properly thinking them through, and these people don’t tend to be the ones that actually lose out from their shitty decision. But it’s so good when you see someone who always makes these commitments be the one to loose out. It’s so good to just sit and enjoy even the slightest glimpse of their shit time. You kinda feel bad for enjoying it, yet these people never seem to catch on to what their doing so maybe I should enjoy it more.
I saw the psychiatrist last week, they seemed pretty good. Capable of following a logical thought process anyway. Other than that I have pretty much done nothing. I haven’t got much to talk about at the moment, probably due to my lack of socialisation.