I started this blog in 2016, I was going to start journaling, I was going to do it in a notebook. However, I realised I don’t own a notebook and therefore that would require going to the shops… And that would require the difficult task of leaving my bed. That is the story of how I ended up on WordPress.
I’m 22, female, and according to some psychiatrist have “dysthymia with superimposed major depression.” This blog consists of my thoughts in an attempt to document the mind of someone with depression.
Feel free to comment, chat, whatever you feel like really.
I have been feeling so shitty this past week, I haven’t felt this shitty for like a year. I don’t know of any trigger, it just feels like a spiral, I know it’s going to spiral, I know what’s going to happen. I can’t stop it.
Everything feels sort of numb in a way, I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know if it’s a weighed down feeling? I just need a break, why doesn’t life have a pause button?
I am half way through the year and I seem to have hit the, I feel dead inside point. I wonder if anyone will notice my flat affect? Most likely, people like to point it out.
I never know if I’m reading situations right? I might be imagining people being hostile towards me..
I just seem to be off in my own little world at the moment. It kinda reminds me of being a child. I think I’m overtired. . .
So I started this post a few days ago, haven’t gotten any further. Probably a nice summary of my general motivation to do anything right now. On the bright side if I’m not posting it usually means that my sleep is going good because if I’m posting regularly, it’s usually in the middle of the night and because I can’t sleep.
I have so many things that I need to do and I keep putting them off until the last minute. It needs to stop, but I can’t stop it. There is just this weird mental block there.
It’s really weird being at work, being a mental health patient and having no one know about it. Hearing the way people speak about mental health related things. People act like the people who get really angry are “mental”. But the thing is associating those people with mental health issues is wrong. The majority of people with mental health problems have way too much anxiety to express their anger at someone. Most of the time they can’t even go back and tell the cashier that they were given the wrong change.
I think I have been outwardly way more “flat” recently, which is annoying because soon I will have to deal with all the comments that go with that. If my boss bitches about it I will be annoyed because they told me not to chew gum, so with that comes no facial expressions. The person who is my main person I deal with through mental health was like maybe try mints…. what is the difference, how are mints ok and gum not? The strange concepts that go on in neurotypicals minds…
When I complained about the whole gum thing to other people they said, just claim its nicotine gum. The idea is good, other than the fact that I obviously don’t smoke. But the idea that it’s only ok if you are doing it to try quit smoking…
Sometimes I wonder how the people at work would react if they knew how mentally fucked I was, “I think they would be like oh shit have we said anything bad?” To which the answer would be, no, but you’re very nieve.
Anyway back to me. Mental health wants me to set goals… I’m not really a goal setter, all they do is make you feel shit when you fail. But they will get angry if I don’t have any, so please comment with any treatment goals you have had in the past…
I’m in the mood for some philosophical thinking around psychology/psychiatry.
Reality is defined as the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them and psychosis is defined as a loss of touch with external reality, as per Google of course. These seem like simple definitions, but lines get very blurry very quickly.
Let’s start with religion, so many people claim that they hear or see God. a very minimal percentage of this group get a psychosis diagnosis. But if you hear voices that are from other not visible beings you’re “psychotic”.
Some scientists believe that it is more likely we live in a simulation than not. We could be the Sims 100. Imagine if all my depression could be attributed to some loser picking the gloomy trait for their sim…
Anyway, this whole thought came about because the psychiatrist asked if I had ever heard voices. Which I have but only when I’m trying to get to sleep so I don’t think that counts, well hopefully not.
I want to update more but I just don’t know what to say. I barely even know what is going on in my life. I’m just riding it, but not really sure where I’m going. I don’t understand my brain? But does anyone? How do we distinguish normal from abnormal, and how can we truely ever know which side were on?
Mental health people keep trying to make me tell my employer. This is just the repeat of tell your parents all over again. I’m not going to give in this time. They will just have to learn how to respect someone’s decision for once. I wonder how that will go down? Not well I am guessing.
Haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been busy with course work. Not sure how I’m gonna get some of this stuff done in time.