I find it strange how logical depression feels, all my thoughts seem logical to me. However apparently from the outside they are not so logical. It just seems so guaranteed that my life will be shit in the future, why would anyone want to give me a job? Why would anything change from how it is now? It seems like I have discovered the truth and everyone else just hasn’t realised it yet. Ignorance is bliss I guess.
So many health professionals have described me as being “flat” what does that even mean, i’m not sure that word should even be used in any way other than to describe a surface… The first time it came up a nurse asked me “are you always this flat”, she said it as if it was a negative thing so even though I had no idea what she was talking about, I said no. I still don’t know how to answer that question.
I am enjoying spending my time doing pretty much nothing, however I am growing more concerned about how much of a shock it is going to be when I actually have uni work to be doing. I feel like I have been putting off a lot of things that I can’t even remember and everything is going to hit me a once. I think this year at uni I really need to work on making some more friends as I am feeling pretty lonely.
I am really tired at the moment and am easily frustrated by people. I am really getting sick of people commenting on things I do, It is my choice and I know it is bad. I think the worst thing is that I know there are things that I do that people would disapprove of more if they new that I did them. I really just want to go back to uni now because i want the change of environment.
I really haven’t put much effort into these posts recently, It is partly because even though I want to express my thoughts on here, I don’t like writing specific things because it is awkward. Let’s just say I developed a new habit which I really need to get some control over, but I’m not sure that I can. I am so over not having control over myself and my emotions.
Today I felt like things were better. I did heaps of drawing. I ate way too much food but that is ok I guess. I got paid the money I was owed which makes my life way less stressful. My cousin is coming tomorrow which I am anxious about because I am socially awkward and don’t want them to think I hate them as I tend to give off that impression.
My life is such a mess right now. I really don’t feel in control. I think I need a change of environment, well at least I hope that is going to help. I am feeling really alone right now I really want to find some better friends.
In some ways my mood has actually been better, however there are other signs that I really need help. I just have to hold off till I can speak to my Dr I guess.
I have been drawing recently which I like 🙂
This year is already going really fast . . . I still just feel really alone, I need to put more effort into making friends. I feel really stuck and frustrated because I feel like I am just getting worse. I don’t know how to unnumb myself so I can’t feel emotions properly and I think that is leading me to do bad things. I just really want to feel something and it is making me wan to self destruct.
I don’t know myself right now, I feel like I have lost control. I don’t know what to do and I am too scared to tell anyone. I’m feeling really bad right now and I think I need help…