Numb to how I feel 

I’m seeing the Dr in two days, it’s just a “review” so they don’t plan on changing anything. I’ve been on an increased dose for like 9-10 weeks now, but I maxed out venalfaxine. It has made some difference… But at the same time not really. See, I’m not sure if I still have thoughts about self harm and ‘suicidal ideation’ whatever that really means . . is an acceptable improvement…? 

The thing is I know the Dr isn’t going to take me off venalfaxine because they will see that as to risky, and I can see their point. I don’t really believe you ever stay still, you either go forwards or backwards. Im still going to group so at least in theory I should be going forwards. However I almost feel like I’m doing my part, you do yours! 

It’s kinda strange, I’m used to being quite numb to my situation. But I almost feel the doctors are too. 

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