Is Everything My Fault?

And so, another week ends. I struggle to know which day of the week it is. It’s so strange to think that others get so excited over the weekend. All I do is know what I am doing today, and a little bit of what I am doing tomorrow.

Those people who ask, where do you want to be in ten years time? Who actually plans that far ahead. All that will do is mean that when you get ten years in the future you will be disappointed. Even if you achieve what you wanted to achieve, you will likely be dissatisfied. I guess no one really gets their picture perfect future?

Just watching other people, something always seems to go wrong. All those financially stable, perfect couples who can’t have kids. Life often doesn’t make sense. You can avoid so many things to stay ‘healthy’ and live long, but die young in a freak accident. Why plan ten years in the future, when you could die tomorrow?

I feel like I do so many things acting against what I think. Which is theoretically supposed to change what I think? I had a thought just over two years ago, right at the beginning of my degree. I had this thought so far in advance of anyone else in my course. I was worried/thinking that I would not be able to get a job for this year coming… I had no reason to be worried I tried to ignore it, I still try to ignore this thought.

But here I am, I think I must be one of the last people to be able to find something, I’m still looking. I just don’t understand? Why me? Why was I even worried about this? Why does it have to come true?

Did worrying about it cause it to become true? Because that’s how CBT makes me feel sometimes. . . .


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