Around ten days ago, I filled out a form for my medical records from my medical centre to be sent to me. These notes contain notes from, counsellors, GP, and the psychiatrist. So obviously, when a massive envelope labelled, “private and confidential” came through my mailbox, I was excited. That might be a strange emotion to feel, but it’s almost like catching up on the latest gossip, excepts it’s private and about you….
Some interesting things said about me, “has an unusual presentation, mask-like facies”. “interesting she is less blank looking and has improved blink rate”, “seems to be entrenched in the state she is in” – well shit I wasn’t even thinking that negative… “very serious and sombre, but talking spontaneously which is unusual for her.”
Lots of “needs long-term psychotherapy” however no one has helped me access long-term psychotherapy – Classic mental health system.
It’s so interesting getting other people’s perspective of you, some extremely strange stuff has been said. Some people say that it can make you feel worse to read you notes. However, i personally think it’s nice to know.
So I’m trying to find accomodation where I will be working, I don’t start till Jan so I have quite a bit of time. I get to go home with my family for xmas which is good. I’m graduating in about a week and a half too. This year has been a pretty shit year for me so for once I am looking forward to New Years. Still no resolutions because that’s silly.
I’m looking forward to a new start next year, I get to be surrounded by new people, in a new place with a new job.
I’m so over people who don’t pay any attention to me
So close to having my life together
So after like 8 interviews and an insane amount of applications I got offered a job. I did it properly, without just knowing people. Was a mission but it’s all ok.
The thing about depression is, those who haven’t been through it, just have don’t know what it’s like. I have watched people try, but something gets lost in translation. The person wants to think they understood, but they didn’t. It’s always strange when you encounter someone who has been through it, you say the same words, but they translate it correctly. There is just this weird mutual understanding that is there.
The weird part about this mutual understanding is that the topic of depression doesn’t even have t come up. It’s just there. It is useful, it allows us to pick our peers out of a crowd.
The other side is the frustration side, the lack of understanding side. It means I can ask for help multiple times, people try to help, but they’re just not being helpful.
People like to think they would know if their, friend or family member was depressed. That’s not how it works, you won’t pick up on it unless the depressed person want’s you to pick up on it. So many health professionals I have seen have been female, who have children. I can see them thinking they would know if it was their kid when I had told them my parents didn’t know. But I know they wouldn’t know. That’s just not how it works. People are too self-absorbed.
I don’t want to use the word, I don’t want to be that person. But I sort of am. Well anyway I shall try to explain my point. I have been reading a book, and a topic came up that some would label as,”triggering”. In quite a lot of detail too. That’s the thing these things can show up anywhere, without warning. Yet when we are in group we aren’t supposed to talk about these things. Supposedly triggering things are just a part of live. We should be encourage to talk about these things in a more safe environment. But what do I know …..😒