I’m this weird mix of a person. I feel really invisible, and for the most part, I am. I’m a very quiet character. Yet, somehow I often end up being the, I guess, “poster child” in a way. Throughout high school, my school arranged newspaper interviews for me, and this appears to somehow have continued to university.
Just recently I received an email, it said I was an interesting undergraduate that they would like to profile for their website. I filled out their questions, so now I, along with two other people represent the undergrads of our department. . .
Filling out the questions, reading the other two people’s profiles and my upcoming graduation tomorrow, well I guess it really made me realise how lost I am. However, It also made me think about how I would look to someone who read about me. Let’s just say I look like I have my shit together a lot more than I do.
I guess, I do likely have about the same amount of direction in my life as others in my situation, I’m just less confident in my direction. Today thinking about graduation made me reflect the last three years of my life, the three years of which I have been quite depressed. It’s so strange how so much of that feeling just comes back, at a time that should be a happy one. I guess all of my doubts about whether I chose the right degree, should I change? Should I stay? Well, it’s done, I feel that if I have made the wrong decision, I’m stuck with it. There’s no going back?
Even though I could do a different degree, I will always be stuck with this one. Why does that feel like a bad thing? It shouldn’t be.
I guess I just feel like I should have my life together, but i don’t. Does anyone? Is anyone truly sure of themselves? Do we all just fake it and we never make it? Is it normal to be this pessimistic?
It’s so strange how adulthood just sneaks up on you. How does anyone just go to work for 40 hours a week and pay bills and have their life together and shit.. ? Routine is supposed to help depression, but all routine does is make me feel like a robot. It almost makes me more suicidal.
I keep trying to move away from suicidal thoughts, but something keeps bringing me back. At what point where they no longer scary and comforting? Will I ever find them scary again? I remember they used to scare me.
This post has gone a tad off topic, but it’s all still confessions…