28/02/17

Sometimes it just hits you how alone you really are

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Where do you draw the line?

So many places have “criteria” to be accessed. But what is functionally impaired anyway? Why do I get left out because I am willing to just have a panic attack whereas others would just completely avoid the situation. Why am I considered ok because I can interact with people while I’m on the brink of tears? When I just have to hope my words will come out ok. 

This is starting to become regular at work, over the last week. I don’t have any sick leave so I have to go. I can’t afford to not have a job, so I have to have one, so I show up, I function. There is no other option. Having a job means I can’t get funding for counselling, so I don’t have one. My meds are too complex that GPs don’t like to touch them, so I should really have a psychiatrist, but I can’t afford one. 

I get told I should talk to x and just say “I’m feeling anxious what should I do?” But I’m too anxious to do that. People say it’s normal to be sort of anxious in knew environments, I’m fine. But how anxious is normal anxious? 

The types of people you meet

Does anyone else have this thing, I don’t know how to explain it…? It’s like you interact with some people, and they are nice, but you just know if you bring up the whole depression thing they just won’t get it. They will respond with oh exercise, or some sort of herbal bullshit. 

Then there are the people who you know will act like its and inconvenience to them, for fuck sake, throse whiny bitches. They are the worst. It’s not even that they don’t understand, they are just to self absorbed. 

Anyway, right now at my new job I’m like when should I drop this bombshell, maybe I never will. I would love to do it while everyone was praising me or some shit, hey guess who is mentally fucked. I really hope one day I’m invited to do some motivational speech or some shit because I’m all successful and shit. That would definitely be the best time.

Just to add because the tiny bit I have reread of this post, quite a lot of swearing. These are my unfiltered thoughts. In person I filter this a lot.