Sometimes I wonder if I am actually bipolar because I sometimes just get really hyper, I don’t really think hyper is the right word. And I know full-blown mania is like next level, but hypomanic? I think in the past I have blown it off because I don’t think it has ever lasted long enough.
It’s hard to judge for yourself. But the thing is I am so weirdly the other way naturally, really quiet and withdrawn, not very spontaneous. But I just have these out of character bursts where I can’t stop talking, more impulsive, confident, really awake compared to normal. It’s hard to tell what’s normal.
What even is euthymia anyways? Is it different for different people, or should we all have the same level of… thymia?
Well, my life is a bit of a mess right now, just trying to keep up with all the things I need to do and to sleep and eat, and you know not have depression shit itself all over my life. There just never seems to be enough time to do everything that needs to be done.
And my internet is so sporadic that it just makes everything that much more difficult. I try to plan to do things and then I crash and sleep for hours. Then I sleep in so I have to rush to get to work. I never have time to do my washing and when I do, it rains.
Life is just difficult sometimes, well most of the time.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday, went quite well. We could chat, I got all the medication I needed and they referred me to try and get me some counselling. Can’t complain.
This year is going really fast, it’s good, idk why but I kinda just want this year done with… Maybe I can move on with my life a bit.
Why is it that when life decides to shit on you, it does it with things you have no idea how to deal with. Why can’t it at least be shit that you are to blame for, rather than just dumping other people’s shit on you?
To top it of, I suck at talking to people about things, and even if I was good at that i don’t know anyone here well enough to talk about my shit to them. So I guess I just need to vent here. I am reluctant to go into detail online however.
I just need to bring myself back to what matters. But when I try to do that, all I feel is guilt.
I need to go make a Dr’s appontment, go talk to someone about something. But I can’t help feeling like what’s the point?
People love to point out that I don’t react to things. That I don’t get excited. Yes my face is broken. It’s not that funny…
I’m tired, but sleeping isn’t helping. It’s as if the more I sleep, the more tired I feel. I just want things to make sense, but they don’t. Can’t really talk about it, because people always try to relate. But they can’t. Thir pathetic excuse for a comparison is just frustrating.
I wish I was normal, but I also don’t.