I mean I know I hate people but…

So a while ago I requested my mental health notes, and I finally got them. Most of it is ok, debatable, but people are allowed their own diagnostic opinion. So the psychiatrist I was seeing I didn’t like so I requested to change, they told me I was allowed a second opinion. I have since seen a 2nd psychiatrist but that interaction was too recent to be included in the notes.

So the first psychiatrist thinks I have avoidant personality disorder, which is interesting since I work in a job where I have to interact with people, but I’m not too pissed about that. This psychiatrist wrote a summary letter to the GP, which stated that I have not been able to do presentations in front of people. I’m not too sure where he got that from considering I did not tell him this as I have done multiple presentations in the past.

The next part was that he said I refused psychology and he thought it was due to my fear of meeting new people.. this was written after I requested to have a different psychiatrist and hence meet a new person. I mean it was this lack of logic that led me to request someone else in the first place.

I refused psychology because there was no way I could fit it in with work, and I mentioned this multiple times.

Also when you’re with mental health, trying to make your own medical decisions is labelled “not co-operating”.

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People are shit 

So I had to tell my boss about the whole depression thing because it got really obvious something was going on. So I did that about 3 weeks ago, and I don’t even get a how are you going chat, are you ok chat. I even tried acting depressed for a couple of days, still didn’t happen. On the bright side my judgement of them was correct, they are not a good person to mention shit to. 

I don’t really know what I’m up to at the moment, don’t really know how to progress forward. The whole situation right now just feels so negative. Feel stuck in a negative situation.

My Life Has Too Much Shit

I haven’t updated in ages, I just have so much shit going on. It’s hard to explain. All I have learned is that people suck.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist in a few days, it happened quite quickly after I wrote a formal complaint. Obviously, they were scared of the consequences of that and all of a sudden, I had an appointment booked and it was only a week and a half away. After they told me they were booking a month in advance.

People are just so selfish, even though I got what I wanted I’m not going back on my complaint. I didn’t do it to get what I wanted, I did it so other people don’t have to go through this shit.

I’m so over talking to people and they obviously realise I’m unwell, and they’re like “are you on meds?”, “are you taking your meds?”, “You need to do CBT”.

I’m very good at taking my meds and I’m more of a talk therapy sort of person, I just need to vent. The thing is I can analyse my thoughts all I like, but it doesn’t stop them being there. I already try not to avoid behaviours due to said thoughts, and it doesn’t really change a lot.

Realistically I would have to go private for any form of therapy to work. I might be able to get it free but it would have to be on my lunch break, and honestly, it would just make work worse and I couldn’t fully invest in it during the middle of my working day. The issue with private is that I could pay to see someone for a few sessions and realise I don’t like them then I have just wasted a couple hundred dollars on nothing.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it’s just really complex.

1/10/17

So last week my life just shat itself. I think it’s going to be about a month till I see a different psychiatrist. I might have to make a more legitimate complaint. I mean they acknowledged their system is shit but that doesn’t really help anything. 

But mental health people seem to love me writing stuff down becuse I’m shit at comunicating in person.

 

5-9/17

Sometimes you just want to know. You can’t talk to people about your problems if they aren’t confirmed. You can be waiting for something bad to happen, but no one wants to help you because it might not happen. Some even claim it’s unrealistic thinking, but the thing is sometimes there is evidence supporting bad things coming in your future.

Sometimes I just have to numb out to things, just so I can cope with everyday life. It’s not ideal, but it gets me through. 

1/9/17

I wish I was better at putting thoughts into words, that’s such a weird thing, because thoughts almost are words. I’m just struggling with the whole life thing. I can always tell when I’m bad. My mind struggles to think into the future, I start needing to make it week to week, day to day. 

Some people like to plan their life, but that’s not really me. I guess that’s the thing at the moment bothering me. People wanting  me to act in a way that just isn’t me. I don’t want to be a puppet. Other people have expectations of me, and I don’t know if their expectations are unrealistic or if I should feel bad for not meeting them…