So sad I can’t breathe

I’m sitting here all alone,

Feeling like I don’t belong.

Why does this world feel so wrong?

My life goes in circles, surrounded by contradiction,

What did I do to deserve this conviction.
And what does it take to be taken seriously?

You lack the ability to understand my misery, 

What happened to empathy?

And how am I supposed to heal,

when you act like my pain isn’t even real.
I’m surrounded by comparison,

I’m being suffocated by societies hatred and arrogance.

Sometimes I get so sad I can’t breathe,

Why can’t it all just be about what’s underneath

I should probably talk to a therapist.

My personality isn’t likeable, 
I have no confidence and it makes life feel so impossible.

I feel so expendable, worthless and small.


But I’m sure others have felt like me,
But we have to realise our vision is cloudy.

Let’s stop being prisoners in society,

and make this word a pleasant place to be.

Lemons

I never understood the quote,”when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” as a child. I think it’s because I liked lemons, I didn’t realise it ment turn the bad into good. I am trying to be positive about my situation right now, I really am. It’s just what if you have too many lemons and no sugar? How are you supposed to make lemonade? I feel like I’m gathering all these lemons but I can’t find any sugar, I ask around but no one will give me any. No one will even give me some shitty artificial sweetener. 

I don’t know 

I am not good with words, I’m not sure what it is about my brain? But I can’t get my thoughts into words… It’s not even that I don’t think in words, I do. But those words make sense to me but not as comunication with others. To be honest I don’t even understand myself. 

I have to try tell the dr tomorrow “how I am” when I don’t even know. 

Anxiety

I ever understood what people meant when they said, “anxiety is when you miss a step, but all the time.” You see the problem wasn’t that I hadn’t experienced anxiety, it was that I hadn’t missed a step while actually processing how it felt.

The other day when I got a fright, I had this feeling. This feeling felt familiar. It was at this moment that I realised what I had been feeling the whole time. It’s that horrible feeling like someone has put their hand through you stomach and is twisting your insides. That is anxiety. 

I am so anxious right now, I have an exam tomorrow. Not just any exam either, it’s an oral exam. I actually have to talk to people… And on top of all this horror, it’s in the morning. So naturally I’m freaking out about sleeping through it. My mind tries to compromise, it thinks I can pull an all nighter. Not to study though, just so I can’t sleep through. 

The worst part about this exam period is that it feels so never ending. I have two weeks of placement after. And just to make it worse both weeks are in different places. Two weeks of an unfamiliar environment, with people who are all settled it. All these people know their roles, they know what they are supposed to be doing. Then their will be me, putting all my energy into just being there, just trying to make it through my two weeks without having a breakdown. Such fun 😐