03/02/18

I’m seeing a new psychiatrist next week. Not because I was listened to, but because I moved. I have pretty low expectations. They did make an effort to give me extra notice about the appointment, which is very good communication from my experience. I tend to not be informed of things. 

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Making Decisions and Hating on People Again…

I haven’t written anything in a while, I have made a whole heap of major decisions very suddenly. I also have not informed a lot of people about these decisions. But it’s my life so it’s not really for them to know. There are still a lot of decisions still to make. But overall I have decided to take my time over these decisions. Figure out what I really want. not just guess what I will want in the future.

There is always so much pressure to rush, people seem to not be able to think more than a month in advance. Well, they are either doing that or thinking 5 years into the future. There is no middle ground. Sometimes if you slow down you will end up being further ahead in the long run. But others don’t seem to be able to comprehend this concept.

I also want to take time to think about what I want from other people. Because you need to ask for what you want for anything to happen. Because surprisingly other people don’t have their lives together enough to be useful on their own. People are so self-focused, most people aren’t capable of true empathy. Rather this fake bullshit which if you talk to them long enough you realise they have no idea. It’s all just fake emotions.

I think this lack of empathy is a result of societies views on expressing emotion. we are all expected to not display or talk about any unpleasant emotions. So all people know to do is the fake smile. If you dare to express unpleasant emotion to others, you will find you get the minimum response that is polite. They won’t ignore it, that would be rude. They just change the topic as fast as possible or try to exit the conversation as fast as possible.

In conclusion, I really need to find a decent therapist as I have a lot of people to bitch about. It’s also a bonus if you bitch about people in a confidential environment.

Insomnia

elizabeth-lies-6702Photo by elizabeth lies on Unsplash

I’m awake with insomnia, facing the dilemma of whether to stick at trying to sleep or just give up and wait until I am tired to try to sleep. Obviously, I have chosen the latter. I am not being responsible, as I shouldn’t be on a computer. But I’m pretty sure it won’t make much difference.

When I try to go to google to determine how to sleep, it just lists the bullshit, don’t take naps during the day, set a bedtime and wake up time. Well, it’s too late for that. I do have medication I could take, but if I take it now then I will sleep late tomorrow and then I won’t sleep again.

There should be more practical solutions to insomnia. My body doesn’t work on a wake up at the same time everyday schedule. It just won’t get up if I don’t need to be anywhere. I get too distracted to avoid screens or too much light. There isn’t really any thought process contributing to it, I’m not overly phased about not sleeping, I don’t have any plans tomorrow until 2pm.

I am going to ditch the computer now as it has now been an hour.

Avoidant Personality Dissorder

So a while ago the psychiatrist was trying to claim I have avoidant personality disorder, so in this post, I am going to go through this diagnosis, which I don’t particularly think fits me. There are lots of reasons that I disagree, but the main reason is that people close to me disagree and think it’s a joke. Also, although I might display some symptoms, they tend to be very situation dependent. You can claim the professional knows best, however, said professional could barely remember the medications they prescribed me, hence my lake of faith in their abilities.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose avoidant personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

1.Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

A) identity: Low self-esteem associated with self-appraisal socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior; excessive feelings of shame or inadequacy.

I would agree with low self-esteem, however so would the majority of people with depression, and relating to socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior. I would say no, lots of people think I’m great. I can be very socially awkward in some situations, but I’m not that bad. Sometimes I feel socially inept and inferior, however only if some dickhead points out some social weakness and is an asshole about it. As for excessive feelings of shame or inadequacy, if I do something wrong, in new situations, it tends to go away as I get used to environments unless that environment is toxic.

B)Self-direction: Unrealistic standards for behavior associated with reluctance to pursue goals, take personal risks, or engage in new activities involving interpersonal contact.

Yes, I don’t set goals, purely because I don’t find them useful. I think it’s important to have direction, but you don’t need goals for that. The other two, I was very close to taking quite a big personal risk and would have followed through if the situation had allowed. The last point no.

2.Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Preoccupation with, and sensitivity to, criticism or rejection, associated with distorted inference of others‟
perspectives as negative.

In general, I don’t give a fuck what people think.  I tend to get complimented on that a lot. However, I can be sensitive in work environments where critasism and rejection really aren’t ideal. I would have agreed with the distorted perspectives part if it wasn’t for the fact that I recently found out that it turns out I was correct in thinking that. It was actually probably worse than I thought.

B. Intimacy: Reluctance to get involved with people unless being certain of being liked; diminished mutuality within intimate relationships because of fear of being shamed or ridiculed.

I need the definition of involved, friendships no. A romantic relationship, I don’t have to be certain, but it would be stupid to waste energy on someone who I didn’t think probably liked me.  Intimate relationships issue is not from a fear of being shamed or ridiculed.

Pathological personality traits in the following domains: 

1. Detachment, characterized by:

a. Withdrawal: Reticence in social situations; avoidance of social contacts and activity; lack of initiation of social contact.

I have said this a lot. I don’t like people, they suck. The few people I like I am perfectly happy to interact with. Just the majority of people aren’t worth my time.


b. Intimacy avoidance: Avoidance of close or romantic relationships, interpersonal attachments, and intimate sexual relationships.

I don’t avoid them, I don’t really engage in them unless I think they are worth my energy. Majority of people as too interested in sex. Also, this interest is affected by the bellow . . .

c. Anhedonia: Lack of enjoyment from, engagement in, or energy for life‟s experiences; deficits in the capacity to feel pleasure or take interest in things.

This can be explained by depression.

Also, I don’t feel detached socially…

2. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

a. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness,
or panic, often in reaction to social situations; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of embarrassment.

Yes I some. Only if logically the unpleasant experience could cause negative effects. Haha, I am the most relaxed person in terms of uncertainty. Fears of embarrassment depend on the day and who I am with.

So, in general, I’m borderline on a lot individually. if you don’t look at the other aspects such as, I work with people, the majority of social situations I’m fine, and the fact that recent other people’s actions have affected intimacy and I think it is a normal reaction.

But the main problem comes from the to have the personality disorder, The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

Why not just stick with the more simple diagnosis of social anxiety?

Life is Much Better with No Responsibilities. 

Right now I have no responsibilities, so I’m going pretty well. I keep getting surprised by it, but then I realise that if I only spend my day doing things I enjoy, it would make sense that I would have a good day. In contrast to going surprisingly well. I am not overly keen on thinking positively as things tend to go wrong, and I am over being disappointed. 

This is pretty much the opposite of what CBT tells you to do. I’m not really thinking negatively, more just avoiding being to positive. I mean you could say it was realistic thinking, but people don’t like to acknowledge that negative thoughts about the future can be realistic. No one ever teaches you what to do when all the evidence points to the negative. 

Reflecting on this year I have really only learned that people are shit, well more than I already thought they were anyway. Everyone has just been shit. There are a lot of nice people, however they tend to be useless, therefore are shit. I would prefer to have more mean, yet useful people in my life. Or atleast if they were mean and useless I wouldn’t feel guilty about complaining about their uselessness. 

People are so behind the times, why does it appear that people haven’t caught on to the whole mental illness is a medical condition. Maybe if people could get that in their heads they would be less shit.

People Don’t Pay Attention

So recently a whole heap of shit went down that I don’t really want to talk about or write about.

Over the past couple of months I have had appointments with mental health most weeks, occasionally might be every 2 weeks. Mostly haven’t had much to talk about. The other thing is that over the past 2 months I have lost a decent amount of weight, and this isn’t weight that really needed to be lost. I was at a healthy weight to start with, I am still at a healthy weight but that’s not really the point. I approximately lost about 20 pounds, so not an overly unhealthy weight loss, but not really healthy.

The reason I am mentioning this is someone who has probably seen me about as often as mental health noticed. I don’t know if mental health is really that unobservant, or just didn’t feel it needed to be mentioned. Honestly, I think they didn’t notice.

Only one person has commented so far. I’m not looking for compliments, I just feel like it shows how much people pay attention.