I don’t know where I am right now, I don’t know if I’m going forwards, or backwards, uphill, or down hill? I’m getting increasingly tired and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do what I’m expected to do. Other people don’t seem to be very helpful and it’s almost like talking to a wall. At least if I really was talking to a wall it would likey live up to my expectations of helpfulness. I just seem to be going in circles and don’t know where I will be when I stop.
I haven’t written anything on here for a while, mostly because my laptop decided it didn’t want to connect to the internet. Nothing exciting has really happened, I’m super tired all the time, constantly feeling overwhelmed. Just the usual really. I’m unsure how it is so far through April. How does life move so fast yet so slow?
Feeling a tad frustrated, I’m not even sure what about. Maybe just with life in general.
So after around a month of not being a part of mental health services because they claimed I wasn’t sick enough I have now been referred back by two separate professionals because I am too complex for them. I tried to tell mental health that a month ago but they didn’t listen. Honestly does my opinion count for nothing. Maybe they will learn from this… Probably not.
So after the last time when I tried to ask for help with my studies I was told to make a Dr appointment, I did. They increased my medication so that’s something. But they said they would refer me to the mental health team because I would be better suited there. Which would be great if I wasn’t already with mental health a month and a half ago, but they decided I wasn’t sick enough. Typical mental health care, it’s all just circles.
I’m supposed to be getting some free councelling though, through another seperate thing that is short term. Even though throughout my medical records it specifically says”needs long term psychological support “.
A few days ago I was sitting in a group of people getting the overly generalised talk about looking after mental health. My little sub-group was supposed to brainstorm ways to break down barriers. Well in the real world there are lots of barriers, eg. Money, hours of work, finding someone useful, and then there’s the when you ask, people tend to not know what to do. The response is usually do you need to go on medication, this is especially awkward as I’m on two medications not just one. Others are book another Drs appointment and buying me hot chocolate. Of these too be honest the most useful is probably the hot chocolate.
Sometimes I wonder if I am actually bipolar because I sometimes just get really hyper, I don’t really think hyper is the right word. And I know full-blown mania is like next level, but hypomanic? I think in the past I have blown it off because I don’t think it has ever lasted long enough.
It’s hard to judge for yourself. But the thing is I am so weirdly the other way naturally, really quiet and withdrawn, not very spontaneous. But I just have these out of character bursts where I can’t stop talking, more impulsive, confident, really awake compared to normal. It’s hard to tell what’s normal.
What even is euthymia anyways? Is it different for different people, or should we all have the same level of… thymia?