Month: September 2016

I just don’t understand the nurse that I talk to at group. We are supposed to talk at least once a week. It mostly happens, but at the same time they often act like they are too busy for me. It’s not me thinking I can read minds, it’s the actions that tell me I’m not their priority. 

I don’t expect to be prioritised above other people, because we’re all equals. I mean unless I was in a crisis and the other was fine. I understand that they have other parts to their job, but they also need to think about the fact that they are working in mental health. They can’t just brush people off. 

It doesn’t actually affect me much , because I go to councelling. But if I wasn’t I would likely be quite reliant on that contact.

I think doctors are aware that sometimes they have to spend longer on a patient and that might meant they don’t get a lunch break, nurses are in a similar boat. 

I won’t be mad if you eat in front of me, in fact I would have more respect. 

26/092016

Sometimes I feel like I ask for help, but people just don’t help. They don’t completely ignore me, they listen, but then they don’t help.

Do people just not understand?

How many people with first-hand experience work in mental health? Anyone have an Idea. Once I was told that if you have a past mental health history it is difficult to get into clinical psychology. I was once told you have to be really resilient to work in mental health because you see some horrible stuff. Like seriously? OMG it must be so hard for you to watch people suffer.

Some random general update on me

I am going to be so tired this week, just had such a busy last couple of weeks. It will be interesting to see if it is picked up by the doctor this week, one time they tried to claim that I had an increased blinking rate. That for sure was an interesting claim, I was also then distracted for the rest of the appointment, trying to figure out how fast I was blinking. My doctor really seems to be the optimist type, just trying to cling to anything…

Last time when the nurse told me, I “looked exhausted”, I felt like I had more energy than I had previously had for a while. Maybe I was over-tired?

This week should be a much less busy week for me, well theoretically anyway. I really feel like I need some decent alone time this week, people are really starting to frustrate me.

I’m not usually much of a talker/social interacting person, however, I have found that recently when I have been talking to people, they have found me kinda funny, I should totally claim this.

I should really go to sleep right now, but alas I have consumed too much caffeine yet again.

I seriously need to learn how to spell, maybe I should write a blog with no corrections with spellcheck, and you think I had errors before.

21/09/2016

I don’t want to talk to people about how I feel, or what I think. I don’t want people to see me, I don’t want labels. I don’t want to be, the depressed girl, the girl who hurts herself, the suicidal girl, the weird girl…. I don’t know what people think. 

I’m ok . . . Well okish at talking to professionals, but outside of that is too hard. I don’t want it and people don’t get it. Labels make it feel real. 

But it is real?

Weird interactions 

The nurse I talked to today was so weird, I don’t know how to explain it. They were just like, “why would you do that?” ” why didn’t you do this?” “What if other people realise and think?” 

I don’t have that much control over myself. Like I have control, but I’m a weird person.

My counsellor also asked, “does anyone know you have felt suicidal in the past?” It’s so weird to have someone describe you as being suicidal. It makes it so real, it was like a knife in my stomach.