Time

Today, one year ago, I opened this WordPress account. It doesn’t seem like it was a year ago. Time is a strange thing. It always seems to surprise us how fast it goes, yet it happens every time. I want to be like, next year can’t be any worse than this year. But I feel that would be dangerous. There is something about life that just likes to fuck you over.

My Hogwarts House

After making so many Pottermore accounts, just to take the sorting quiz and my recent rediscovering of the Harry Potter series, I have decided to do my own analysis of where I think I am suited. I think I have at some point gotten every result for the Pottermore quiz. I don’t want to disrespect the official quiz, but it’s not great.

So in looking up the traits of each house, I can quite quickly rule out Hufflepuff. Although I am quite a loyal person and do have some Hufflepuff traits, it’s just not me. Whichever house is opposite to Hufflepuff, that is me. I’m not reckless, I think about the consequences, which I feel rules out Gryffindor. I’m also not the type to value bravery. I’m not the opposite, but I definitely don’t fit the Gryffindor criteria.

Now we get to the hard part, it’s like every four choices, multiple choice quiz. You can always eliminate two, but then you get stuck. . .

I have never been that into books, as a child I hated reading, and now I am fussy with books I like. However, I am quite intellectual. Ravenclaw is a strange house, doesn’t seem to have much to it… Intelligence seems to creep it’s way into Gryffindor and Slytherin, so what is a Ravenclaw?

I’m not an assertive person, I hate conflict. Yet I wouldn’t quite say I avoid conflict. I guess I recognise that there are times when conflict is necessary.

I would definitely not be your typical Slytherin, but I am quite an ambitious person. I’m not sure how much of a win at all costs person I am? In some ways I am, but in others, I’m not. In terms of Pottermore quizzes, Slytherin has been the one that I was sorted into the most.

But I also feel more Ravenclaw… I’m quite logical..ish.

But is that just because Slytherin is stereotyped as “bad”, “evil”?In terms of Myers-Briggs, I’m an INFP.

In terms of Myers-Briggs, I’m an INFP. Lot’s of people on the internet have attempted to match the 16 classifications with houses. But there appears to be no success. People just go with what they want for themselves.

I don’t even know. So many people seem to be so sure of which Hogwarts house they identify with.

 

26/12/2016

I have been a little bit inactive, around Christmas time. It’s strange how it sort of feeds on itself. One day you feel you have nothing to say, then you haven’t posted and you feel like it should be a more worthwhile post. There are so many things that once started are so difficult to stop.

I have been having some very strange dreams recently, such unusual storylines. They are so unrealistic, yet sometimes it’s still hard to distinguish these dreams from reality.

I got a new laptop today, so exciting as my previous one was over four years old. New things are always fun. Everything just seems so fresh, even on something as mundane as a laptop.

I’m trying not to mess up my sleeping pattern too much as I start work in two weeks. That is coming around very fast. I need to celebrate my freedom while I can. Is there any way this cannot be so conflicting? It is currently 1.32am, so the side of freedom seems to be winning at the moment.

Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. This isn’t really my sort of thing. I have never been into anything that is overly happy. 

Christmas used to be such a magical time, believing in Santa and all. But it quickly seamed to change. My parents made us gift presents to the poor kids who weren’t going to get any. This confused little seven year old me, why did Santa leave out the poor kids? And from then on Christmas became less and less magical. 

What Does Depression Feel Like?

I’m average, nothing special. I’m good at some things, but not great. I’m not even outstandingly bad at anything. I don’t stand out, practically invisible. But does anyone really? Even if you’re amazing at something, are you world number one? If you’re world number one, I still probably don’t know your name. You’re invisible to me.

This is how depression works. This is how depression can affect anyone. It can be a thought process. But sometimes there are no thoughts, you just feel it. It’s like this black hole inside you, somewhere between your stomach and your heart. It kind of feels like someone knocked the air out of your lungs. But it’s strangely heavy, you feel weighed down. Like someone through a weight at you then it got stuck inside you.

Like my explanation, depression doesn’t make sense. Yet at the time it feels so logical. My thought process above, it’s not really illogical. It also doesn’t make much sense.

There is so much going on, I don’t display much emotion. If I displayed on my face what I was feeling you would think I was weird. You can’t walk around miserable all the time, that’s socially unacceptable. Also, it’s really hard to know what emotion you are feeling, and it seems like that is required to be able to express it in any other way other than crying.

Worthlessness, despair, anger, frustration, disgust, fear, but all at once.

Welcome to my hell hole.

15 Lies That Depression Would Have You Believe — Reducing the stigma around mental health

Originaly posted on: http://antonysimpson.com/2016/15-lies-that-depression-would-have-you-believe/ Here are 15 lies that depression would have you believe: 15. That it is bigger than you. It’s not. It just makes you think this so that it can keep in control of you. 14. That it would be better if you never left your bed/room/house again. It wouldn’t. You have so […]

via 15 Lies That Depression Would Have You Believe — Reducing the stigma around mental health

Why Do People In Mental Health Suck?

I have probably complained about this one individual before, if I haven’t, I most definitely should have. Actually, I’m sure I have complained about them. Anyway, let’s start with their most recent mistake. I got this lovely phone call that borderline dragged me out of sleeping. I was called to inform me that I had missed my appointment two weeks ago… I am just going to ignore the fact that at the last appointment they told me that they would call me the day of my appointment to remind me. TWO FUCKING WEEKS. You work in mental health, I could have been dead.

This specific individual probably deserves to have this whole post dedicated to them. But I probably won’t, there are multiple bad people.. The fact that I was not functionally impaired enough, and I was not a risk to myself or others. That is not the criteria to be seen by a fucking mental health nurse, it’s for being hospitalised against your will! So many people haven’t even experienced a mental illness, it’s like there is this extra stigma within mental health against mental illness. What is that? If a person had severe asthma themselves they would be a good respiratory specialist. If a person has experience within a field it allows for an extra level of empathy that all patients appreciate. But all this bullshit about “resilience”. You can be 1000X more resilient than someone and be more mentally ill than them, because what you went through. All this fucking bullshit claiming you see some horrible stuff, you’re in health care, that happens. But on top of the obvious, you’re only seeing it, people with mental illness have been through it, seeing it doesn’t even compare, it’s a walk in the park. All this tells me is that you have no idea about what you are talking about.

But this shit is fucking drilled into the mental health system. They don’t want to change, their system sucks, they blame the funding. It’s more than that. The funding means we don’t get seen often enough. It doesn’t cause you to be shit at your job. Take responsibility for your own work. Mental health is an area where it should be so easy to make a difference to an individual. You just have to show that you give a fuck. You should give a fuck, so show it. The amount of time I have been treated like I was a number, like I was disposable is unacceptable.

I must admit this is a bit of a “pet peeve” of mine, people who suck at their Job. I think it stems from the amount of difficulty I have had finding a job in the past. The worst part is that these people don’t even realise they suck at their jobs, nobody tells the, and if they do, it was just because they are mentally ill. Therefore when in a job interview, their not lying when they say they’re good, that actually think it’s true.

You can read some of my other blog posts to get more information on my bad experiences. I tend to complain a lot. I feel there is too many to tell you about them all in one post.

I apologise for the swearing, but that’s who I am. It called expression it adds emphasis, gets the point across. Being offended is a choice, none of the words I used is offensive to a group of people. #sorrynotsorry

Would my life be different?

I wonder how my life would have turned out without depression? I know my grades have been affected, but what consequences did this have, and what about the hidden effects? Will this experience help me in the future, or will it all be for nothing? As much as I want to believe everything happens for a reason, that’s just not me. 

I feel like depression is a part of me. I know you all want to tell me it’s not, but I just feel, who I am set me up for this. Maybe it’s just because it all started when I was so young? 

Everybody wants to be in control, but we can’t control everything. That’s why so many people have to pick something to control. It makes us feel so much more comfortable. I have been told in the past I need to leave my comfort zone. But what’s the point, harden anyone else does. And when they do, it’s for a millisecond. They go out, then strait back into their bubble of comfort. Over a lifespan this means nothing… Why not just be comfortable? Maybe it’s because you can’t, no one is ever comfortable with themselves. 

How do you let go of anger? There are some people I am so angry with. But there’s no changing the past, so I should move on right? But I really want to hold a grudge. 

Why do people never listen to me? I swear it’s not a difficult task. I don’t say much, honestly I’m one of the quietest people you will ever meet. Yet when I speak no one seems to care.

100 followers, update and the new year…

I have officially reached 100 followers, which feels like a lot of people considering this is practically my diary. It’s been just less than a year since I started, I must read back on the whole thing at some point. This blog has helped me a lot through 2016, from just needing to vent, to re-reading to know what to bring up in therapy. Having this blog makes me feel like I’m so much more of an interesting person. 

Right now I’m pretty much taking a break from everything, just doing whatever I want. Which mostly consists of exercise and sims, I also catch up on some sleep. I’m officially 22, it’s almost Christmas. I have never been a big fan of New Year but as I am moving to a new city and starting a new job, so it really does feel like a fresh start. 

Dementors

Yesterday my sister put on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Harry Potter brings back memories from when I was a child. I remember begging my parents to read the first book to me when I was about six. It was strange to watch, the actors look so young, when I first saw the movie they looked much older. Time is a weird thing.

From my past, I was drawn to the dementors. They draw away all peace, hope and happiness. An admitted metaphor for depression. Remembering back to my vague obsession, when I researched JK Rowling for my school speech, she went through depression. I don’t think Harry Potter would have been the same without it. She did a very good job of describing it. I wish I could express things better.